We are all afraid of something. Or perhaps we are afraid of many things, but there is one thing that comes immediately to mind when someone asks, “What are you afraid of?”
I was trolling the WordPress daily prompts again, contemplating the different ideas tossed out to bloggers. One suggested writing about a time when you ate humble pie. I thought, “Well I must have eaten humble pie at least a dozen times, but I can’t think of a single specific scenario worth writing about.” So I ditched that one. Next!
I found “fear factor” (http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/prompt-fear-factor/) and thought, well this one is obvious. My greatest fear is probably the same fear that all parents of CHD children share. I am afraid my child will die. It’s hard to acknowledge this fear. It’s hard to say it out loud. Somehow that makes it more real. But it is there. I just choose to live around it. In spite of it. I remind myself that tomorrow is promised to no one, and whatever may come next, I have done right by my child.
I’ve thought about it a bit more lately, because of the good news I received from my cardiologist about my own heart. Fearing that you may outlive your own child is a terrible feeling. And so there was some small comfort in knowing that my own heart was weak, and maybe I wouldn’t have to suffer that fate, simply because I would go first. Before my time, but before his time as well. I am glad to know that I will be here to see both of my children grow up, but now I have come back again to the idea that it might not be me first.
I have a friend whose child has cystic fibrosis. Sometimes I wonder how she lives with this. And then I think she must live with it the same way I live with Corey’s tricuspid atresia. I remind myself, tirelessly, that Corey lives well and is happy now. I remind myself that where there is life, there is hope. I remind myself that it is not in my control. It is not in my hands. It’s in God’s hands, and I just have to accept the road ahead as it comes.
But I really hope the road ahead is less rocky than the road behind.
PS - Thanks to The Huffington Post for making me laugh with their hilarious fear photos from the Nightmare Fear Factory. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/18/nightmares-fear-factory-haunted-house-photos_n_1980308.html#slide=1646897)